| Is it that hard really to be sober for once? I'm just curious. I know you're upset about grandpa, but drinking and ignoring me, your daughter, and the house that you hate so much is going to solve your problems? Is this really how you want me to see you? How you want to set an example for me? How I should follow in your footsteps? You know, for years when I was younger, I wanted to be just like you. Now that I see you for who you really are, I want nothing to do with you. You fuck with my mind and I can't handle you jerking me around. I can't handle having to babysit you to make sure you don't do anything stupid. I can't handle you holding me back from inviting friends over or having something nice to say about you to my friends. Let alone to you when you're like this. You scare the shit out of me when you look at me in that terrible expression I want so badly to slap off your face. You make me disgusted. You make me want to scream and give up. I want to know why you think its okay to do this to me. What if I had an asthma attack? Would you be able to register what was happening to me. Hell, what if I was in an accident. Would you be able to come help me? Would you come to the hospital or would you sit there in your drunk stupor. I get it, you fucking hate me, you want me gone. Too bad for you I hate living at dad's and you're legally responsible for me. Fucking sucks to have a daughter huh. A daughter you can't stand to see because you know deep down, she's better than you. Better than you in everything. She's exactly what you want and can't have because you're too weak to take it. God. I hope you're reading this, boy. I need you so badly right now that it's not even funny. But I fear that what is the worst is coming. You're scared of me and you're trying to drift away. I'm scared too but I need you. I need to talk to you. But I'm afraid if I do, you won't have anything to say or won't know. Please don't push me away. There are so many things I want to tell you. Want you to see. Here's one: I'm over him. I'm well over him. I've been over him and you can't see that. You're blinded by your fear and that upsets me as much as it upsets you. Can't you see that I want you so badly to be in my life more than anything? You know what its like to hit rock bottom and what its like to pull yourself back up and live. You know what its like to have a mind like no one else's and live quietly with your contentment. You know what its like to feel so much and not express a word. You know what its like to give and get nothing back. Or get shit thrown in your face because of your care. You know what its like to worry so much to the point of breaking. You know what its like to have to restart, reboot, relive everything. And I'm fucking envious. I need you to show me how so that one day, I may become a bird and fly away from here. Far away from this wretched place. I'm not perfect, I'll never claim to be. But I want you to know, I'll never be that 'bastard person' we talked about. I'll never betray you, I'll never hurt you. I'll keep you locked away from the pain and the horrible world. I'll try to be everything you'd want and I'd do it in a heartbeat. I talk to you because you make sense to me. You GET it. You get the shit I talk about and understand it. You talk with me about that stuff and it makes me feel like, well, maybe there is some good in the world. Maybe there is something worth living for. If its you, so be it. Even if we never embrace each other, I will be content with having met you and gotten to know you before you said good bye forever. You've shown me the light. My savoir I suppose. You didn't even know you did it. You probably won't know for a long time, but that's okay. I'll make it up to you some how. For now, take my hand as thanks. And don't be so indifferent with me. I'm adjusting, like you did. I'm trying to reboot myself. Be patient. Give me some slack and I'll catch up. You'll know me inside and out before you know it. And I you. Everyday, I think about what like is like for you. What you see that I see as well. Makes me feel less alone. More connected. More like I have strings to this earth rather than me being a floater. I wonder what made you come back down. |
